http://bluth-illusions.livejournal.com/ (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
bluth-illusions.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomhigh2007-08-20 07:24 am
bluth-illusions.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2007-08-20 07:24 am
Entry tags:
Sex Edder #7, Monday, Period 3
When everyone had gathered, GOB gave a warm smile to the group.
"Well, we're at the end of the summer here and that means that all of us are done with this crap. Well, except for you. You'll be going back to real school in a couple weeks while I'll go back to selling you booze. You know, you don't like me and I don't like any of you... well, except you," he said, pointing to somebody at random and kind of waving his hand around so it could have been any number of people, really, "but we all learned something here, I think. And by 'we,' I mean you. Because let's be honest, I already know all there is to know about sex. That's why we call this workshop 'Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way: Sex Edder.' Because I'm GOB Bluth, and I know this stuff."
"But just so we get out of here on something that I know very well and maybe you'll know a little of by the time we're done, I have one more lesson for you. It's a little thing I like to call 'Things to Do When You Can't Remember the Name of Your One Night Stand.'"
"Before we get into that, though, we have to go into three things that you do NOT under any circumstances do. First, don't PANIC. That's stupid. If you panic, all the blood is rushing to your head and not only does that mean you're not thinking clearly, it also means that the blood is in the wrong place if they wake up and want a morning quickie before you're out of there. Second, don't GUESS WHAT THEIR NAME IS. Especially if you're in the process of a morning quickie. It'll ruin both of your mornings. Unless they're really hot for Rumpelstiltkskin or something. Third, don't STICK AROUND LONGER THAN YOU NEED TO. That means get out of there before they're awake if you can. If you have to do the morning quickie, get in and then get out. You can take breakfast if it's quick, like cereal, or a Pop Tart or something, but if it involves cooking anything, sneak out while they're cooking."
"Now, if you want to throw out those rules, well, just panic. If you panic, you're not going to do the other two either, so this is what you do."
"First, SNOOP AROUND. Their name is probably somewhere. Look for any mail, personal letters, magazines with the little subscription sticker with their address, e-mail. Whatever you can. Hell, if you spotted their wallet, look in there and then even if you get caught, you have the perfect excuse! You didn't forget their name, you're a thief! Or a whore! And either one of those could be a turn on and get you another bang, plus you spoted their driver's license and now you know their name. And in a worst case scenerio, if they don't want to screw your brains out again then and there, just grab some money and run. Plus, that way you weren't lying! That way you're a thief AND a whore, but an honest one. And honesty is something to build a relationship on."
"Second, let's say that snooping doesn't work out. It doesn't matter, just DON'T USE THEIR NAME. If you think about it, you can get by for a pretty long time without knowing somebody's name. Just stick to simple, anonymous stuff. 'You' works great. 'You were great last night.' 'I think you broke my pelvis.' 'I love you.' They'll never know the difference if you play it smart."
"Third, PRETEND TO BE MUTE. This is risky, but if you got them drunk enough the night before, they might not remember that you can speak. This might work better if you can get them drunk again right away in the morning. Slip something into their coffee and you'll be fine."
"Fourth, this is when all else has failed and you have no choice, but you can always OFFER THEM A BLOW JOB. This can be either as a distraction or a bribe. It works either way. And even if you fess up, if you really make it worthwhile, they might forget their name themselves. If you somehow ended up in a threesome and don't remember the name of one of your partners, offer one to the person whose name you remember. That way you don't have to worry about upsetting anyone. Unless, of course, you forgot both of their names. But if that happens, who cares, you just scored a one night stand threesome!"
"Fifth, remember what I told you earlier: TRY TO GET OUT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. If you're out the door before they're awake, you can ignore everything else I just said. Except for maybe the wallet thing. And remember, there's nothing wrong with being a thief and a whore."
"Those words of wisdom have nothing to do with our activity. It's the end of our class here, so let's do something that normally happens at the end of classes in the spring." GOB passed out a sheet of paper with a picture of himself and the words:
Congratulations!
You have passed GOB Bluth's summer workshop
Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way II: Sex Edder
This is a Sex Edder Yearbook. Use it to pick up a chick. When she finds out that you learned about sex from GOB Bluth, you'll be lucky if her clothes stay on long enough for you to get out of the bar.
"Sex Edder yearbooks," GOB said, even though books are usually defined by being more than one sheet of paper. "Go ahead and sign each others' with dirty messages, maybe rank how much you want to have sex with them over other people in the class. Have fun! And everyone has to sign mine or you fail the class."
Nobody would fail the class. It's not like GOB kept grades anyway.
[OOC: Thank you all so much for putting up with my insanity.]
"Well, we're at the end of the summer here and that means that all of us are done with this crap. Well, except for you. You'll be going back to real school in a couple weeks while I'll go back to selling you booze. You know, you don't like me and I don't like any of you... well, except you," he said, pointing to somebody at random and kind of waving his hand around so it could have been any number of people, really, "but we all learned something here, I think. And by 'we,' I mean you. Because let's be honest, I already know all there is to know about sex. That's why we call this workshop 'Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way: Sex Edder.' Because I'm GOB Bluth, and I know this stuff."
"But just so we get out of here on something that I know very well and maybe you'll know a little of by the time we're done, I have one more lesson for you. It's a little thing I like to call 'Things to Do When You Can't Remember the Name of Your One Night Stand.'"
"Before we get into that, though, we have to go into three things that you do NOT under any circumstances do. First, don't PANIC. That's stupid. If you panic, all the blood is rushing to your head and not only does that mean you're not thinking clearly, it also means that the blood is in the wrong place if they wake up and want a morning quickie before you're out of there. Second, don't GUESS WHAT THEIR NAME IS. Especially if you're in the process of a morning quickie. It'll ruin both of your mornings. Unless they're really hot for Rumpelstiltkskin or something. Third, don't STICK AROUND LONGER THAN YOU NEED TO. That means get out of there before they're awake if you can. If you have to do the morning quickie, get in and then get out. You can take breakfast if it's quick, like cereal, or a Pop Tart or something, but if it involves cooking anything, sneak out while they're cooking."
"Now, if you want to throw out those rules, well, just panic. If you panic, you're not going to do the other two either, so this is what you do."
"First, SNOOP AROUND. Their name is probably somewhere. Look for any mail, personal letters, magazines with the little subscription sticker with their address, e-mail. Whatever you can. Hell, if you spotted their wallet, look in there and then even if you get caught, you have the perfect excuse! You didn't forget their name, you're a thief! Or a whore! And either one of those could be a turn on and get you another bang, plus you spoted their driver's license and now you know their name. And in a worst case scenerio, if they don't want to screw your brains out again then and there, just grab some money and run. Plus, that way you weren't lying! That way you're a thief AND a whore, but an honest one. And honesty is something to build a relationship on."
"Second, let's say that snooping doesn't work out. It doesn't matter, just DON'T USE THEIR NAME. If you think about it, you can get by for a pretty long time without knowing somebody's name. Just stick to simple, anonymous stuff. 'You' works great. 'You were great last night.' 'I think you broke my pelvis.' 'I love you.' They'll never know the difference if you play it smart."
"Third, PRETEND TO BE MUTE. This is risky, but if you got them drunk enough the night before, they might not remember that you can speak. This might work better if you can get them drunk again right away in the morning. Slip something into their coffee and you'll be fine."
"Fourth, this is when all else has failed and you have no choice, but you can always OFFER THEM A BLOW JOB. This can be either as a distraction or a bribe. It works either way. And even if you fess up, if you really make it worthwhile, they might forget their name themselves. If you somehow ended up in a threesome and don't remember the name of one of your partners, offer one to the person whose name you remember. That way you don't have to worry about upsetting anyone. Unless, of course, you forgot both of their names. But if that happens, who cares, you just scored a one night stand threesome!"
"Fifth, remember what I told you earlier: TRY TO GET OUT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. If you're out the door before they're awake, you can ignore everything else I just said. Except for maybe the wallet thing. And remember, there's nothing wrong with being a thief and a whore."
"Those words of wisdom have nothing to do with our activity. It's the end of our class here, so let's do something that normally happens at the end of classes in the spring." GOB passed out a sheet of paper with a picture of himself and the words:
You have passed GOB Bluth's summer workshop
Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way II: Sex Edder
This is a Sex Edder Yearbook. Use it to pick up a chick. When she finds out that you learned about sex from GOB Bluth, you'll be lucky if her clothes stay on long enough for you to get out of the bar.
"Sex Edder yearbooks," GOB said, even though books are usually defined by being more than one sheet of paper. "Go ahead and sign each others' with dirty messages, maybe rank how much you want to have sex with them over other people in the class. Have fun! And everyone has to sign mine or you fail the class."
Nobody would fail the class. It's not like GOB kept grades anyway.
[OOC: Thank you all so much for putting up with my insanity.]
Sign In [WS7]
During the Lecture [WS7]
Take notes, talk, stare in astonishment that this guy has actually had sex. As usual.
ACTIVITY! Sign Sex Edder Yearbooks!
Talk to GOB [WS7]
And feel free to let him sign yours, too.
OOC [WS7]
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: During the Lecture [WS7]
Re: ACTIVITY! Sign Sex Edder Yearbooks!
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: ACTIVITY! Sign Sex Edder Yearbooks!
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: Sign In [WS7]
Re: Sign In [WS7]