fandomhigh | Heroism, Humanism & Hijinks: Literature in Action

Dummies' Guide to Alice in Wonderland

"Good afternoon," Thursday greeted from the front of the class. Behind her, as she spoke, a cat started to appear out of nowhere - grin first. "First of all, you should all know that Hamlet Dane is now the TA for this class. This week we're discussing Alice in Wonderland. Those of you from 20th century Earth would at least know it by reputation."

"I have a reputation?" the appearing cat said.

Thursday stepped aside and looked back. "Apparently," she replied. "As promised, we have a guest in our class today. This is the Unitary Authority of Warrington Cat, or the Cat Formerly Known As Cheshire. You would know him from the novel as the Cheshire Cat."

The Cat looked around the room with eyes that just appeared into view. "Does anyone have any Mogglicious cat food?"

Thursday continued without waiting for anyone to answer him. "The Cat is here to prove a point. Last week we discussed the power of words. Today's topic is how words can be used to confuse. Each of you are free to ask the Cat any questions. He will answer as he pleases."

"What if I please not to answer at all?"

"No Mogglicious."

The Cat appeared into full view. "Shall we begin?" he asked with a grin.

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Hermione resists the urge to headdesk. She's not giving the cat the satisfaction.

The Cat stood up and stretched. "Wasps aren't very good conversationalists either."

Hermione sighs. "Have you spoken with a lot of wasps?"

"Only through sign language."

"Wasps don't have hands. And don't tell me that they somehow wrote a message on a sign and held it up or anything like that, either."

"They have wings. It's more like semaphore code."

"Then you should have said semaphore code," she says.

"Semaphores are signs. All images and text are signs. They're sign language. Unless they're spine language."

"And by that do you mean some language that only book fastenings know? Or some doctor speak they don't teach here yet?"

"The language that all spines speak."

"Do book spines and vertebrates' spines speak the same language, or do they have different dialects?"

"Vertebrate spines like to think of themselves as purists, but book spines have a much more interesting language."

"Absolutely fascinating," she says. "I never knew that."

"You should try talking to one some time. They're quite interesting."

"You could always demonstrate," Hermione suggests.

"I don't speak spine language."

Hermione presses her lips together and glares.

"We use a translator."

The eyes narrow.

"The translator translates to Portu-Geese."

"Hmph," Hermione says, maybe a little more high-pitched than usual. On most girls there would be a hair flip with the sound.

"Geese like books. There's quite a market for books translated into Portu-Geese."

"All right, that is just ridiculous. Geese can't read."

"Geese can't read English, but they can read Portugeese."

"Of course, how silly of me to think otherwise."

She can't believe she's still having this argument.

Re: Talk to the Cat

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