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fandomhigh2018-03-12 10:00 am
captainskullpoopl) wrote in fandomhigh2018-03-12 10:00 am
Cooking for the Disinterested, Monday
"So we're all back from China. And no one stole a panda," Deadpool said, shaking his head in disappointment at the class. And himself. He shoulda stolen that panda when he had the chance.
"I'm not mad," Vanessa said. "I'm just disappointed." She'd really wanted that panda. "Anyway, we decided we should probably at least try to teach you about eating 'healthy' or whatever." There were finger quotes.
"That means one green thing per meal," Deadpool explained helpfully. "And yes, the Shamrock Shake counts."
It really didn't.
"That's food coloring." Even Vanessa had to draw a line somewhere. "Parsley? Parsley could count. But parsley is expensive. See, this is what no one tells you. Or they just lie. 'Oh, eating healthy on a budget is so easy!' No, it's not, asparagus costs a fortune and then you have to trim it and throw half of it away."
"Plus is makes your pee green." That wasn't true either. Look, Deadpool was doing his best here and his best wasn't very good.
"So how do you eat healthy on a budget?" If Vanessa sounded like she was hoping the teenagers would tell her, well... "Does anyone have any tips?"
Yes, they were going to get scurvy, kids. Or would if they didn't drink those fruity cocktails. "That doesn't involve shoplifting. But it'd be a good tip."
"Maybe you could...shop sales?" That sounded like a good tip. "And um..." Vanessa was openly looking for advice on her phone. "Meal plan!"
"Start a farm," Deadpool added, just off his dome because he wasn't here to solve income inequality or food deserts, okay? "Go to one of those bullshit farmer's markets."
"...yeah, we're not really qualified for this," Vanessa admitted. "But we bought some vegetables on the school credit card, so, you know, do something with those."
"I'm not mad," Vanessa said. "I'm just disappointed." She'd really wanted that panda. "Anyway, we decided we should probably at least try to teach you about eating 'healthy' or whatever." There were finger quotes.
"That means one green thing per meal," Deadpool explained helpfully. "And yes, the Shamrock Shake counts."
It really didn't.
"That's food coloring." Even Vanessa had to draw a line somewhere. "Parsley? Parsley could count. But parsley is expensive. See, this is what no one tells you. Or they just lie. 'Oh, eating healthy on a budget is so easy!' No, it's not, asparagus costs a fortune and then you have to trim it and throw half of it away."
"Plus is makes your pee green." That wasn't true either. Look, Deadpool was doing his best here and his best wasn't very good.
"So how do you eat healthy on a budget?" If Vanessa sounded like she was hoping the teenagers would tell her, well... "Does anyone have any tips?"
Yes, they were going to get scurvy, kids. Or would if they didn't drink those fruity cocktails. "That doesn't involve shoplifting. But it'd be a good tip."
"Maybe you could...shop sales?" That sounded like a good tip. "And um..." Vanessa was openly looking for advice on her phone. "Meal plan!"
"Start a farm," Deadpool added, just off his dome because he wasn't here to solve income inequality or food deserts, okay? "Go to one of those bullshit farmer's markets."
"...yeah, we're not really qualified for this," Vanessa admitted. "But we bought some vegetables on the school credit card, so, you know, do something with those."
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