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fandomhigh2009-09-17 10:32 pm
makesfaces.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2009-09-17 10:32 pm
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Humorous History: Friday, Period 1, Class 3
"Good morning, everyone. Settle in for a long lecture today because we're going to talk about the President who probably wins the competition for Most Awesome President Ever, Theodore Roosevelt. He wasn't perfect or anything, but his flaws are really more of a subject for a serious history class, so... I'm just going to ignore them. Check the internet for any less than great information."
"So, Teddy grew up as a sickly kid in a rich family. He grew up, went to Harvard, taught Sunday School - where he once gave a boy a buck for beating up a bully who harassed the boy's sister - and eventually graduated. After that, a doctor told Roosevelt that he had some pretty serious heart problems so he should take it easy, find a desk job, and avoid strenuous activity."
Jim smiled. "But since this is the Awesome President, Teddy listened to some of that, took a whole bunch of desk jobs, and made them as strenuous as possible. He won a seat in the New York State Assembly and wrote more legislation than any of his peers. He was the president of the board of the New York City Police Commissioners in 1895. He made a point to reform the corrupt police department, in part by walking the beat to make sure his officers were doing their jobs. He was the Assistant Secretary of the Navy leading up to the Spanish-American War, and he did his best to push that war along because he wanted to give the Navy a good test. He then became Governor of New York, then Vice President, and he became President when William McKinley was assassinated. And all of those were, obviously, pretty stressful. And during all of this, he also found time to write thirty-five books."
"All of that is so much more than I could ever imagine doing in my life. But that's just Roosevelt getting started. He was also an amateur boxer, a hunter, a war hero, and an explorer who once beat malaria, probably with a stick while he called malaria's mother names. He organized the Rough Riders and commanded them during the Spanish-American War. They didn't actually use horses as much as you might expect, but that didn't stop them from going completely nuts during the Battle of San Juan Hill. Roosevelt himself led a charge up the hill because he got tired of waiting for orders and his men ended up winning the battle. He DID have a horse for the charge, but ended up on foot once the horse got too tired. That didn't really slow him down, though. And after this, he actually cost himself the Medal of Honor by demanding that soldiers be sent home because too many were getting sick and dying. They gave him a posthumous Medal of Honor back in 1997, though, so he beat that, too."
"When he became President, the awesome stuff didn't stop. Cavalrymen wrote him letters complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day, so he made a point by riding a horse one hundred miles in a day." Jim pulled out a list for the next part. "And when he was in office, he had thirteen horses, five dogs, a few snakes, some birds, two cats, a badger, five guinea pigs, a lion, a hyena, a wildcat, a coyote, zebra, lizards, rats, a raccoon, and five bears. Yikes. Those were just his pets, too. After he left office, Roosevelt went on safari to Africa where he killed or trapped over eleven thousand animals including everything from bugs to big game. About two hundred sixty-two animals were used for food, and most of the others were sent to the Smithsonian in Washington for display. And the Smithsonian got so many that they gave duplicates to other museums."
"For the record, I'm not really a fan of hunting or anything, but come on, eleven thousand animals? That included over five hundred big game animals. And this from a fifty-one year old man who was supposed to avoid strenuous activity."
"In addition to all of that, he was the first sitting President to win the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War. AND the teddy bear was named after him after he refused to kill a captured black bear because it was unsporting to kill a trapped animal. That possibly puts those eleven thousand animals from Africa into a terrifying perspective.."
"And if all of that isn't enough to convince you that he was awesome, let's take a look at the time somebody tried to assassinate him. He didn't run for reelection in 1908, but he took another shot at it in 1912 for the Bull Moose Party. During a campaign stop in Wisconsin, a guy shot him. The bullet went through his eyeglass case and fifty page speech before stopping in his chest. He was bleeding pretty badly, but since he wasn't coughing up any blood - which was seriously how he decided how badly he needed medical attention - he decided to give his ninety minute speech before going to the hospital. And when he did finally go, the doctors decided it would be too dangerous to pull the bullet out, so they left it. He walked around with a bullet in his chest for the rest of his life and that didn't seem to slow him down."
"But the best part about that story? When he decided to go on with his speech, he improvised this line to lead off with: 'Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.' You just can't top that."
"Okay, now that I'm done lecturing, you guys have some homework to do." Jim reached under his desk and pulled out a box of teddy bears. "These are teddy bears. They were named after Teddy Roosevelt. All you have to do is take a bear and get a picture of it doing something really cool at some point during the week. Whether that means dressing it up like a soldier and getting a picture of it invading a common room, or getting a shot of it flying through the air, it's up to you to decide what would be worthy of President Roosevelt. Just have fun with it and get a picture to me by class next week. You have to supply your own cameras, though, because I'm cheap. You can keep the bears or bring them back next week."
"Oh, and speaking of next week, it's going to be a movie day. Come prepared. And by that I mean bring snacks and drinks."
"So, Teddy grew up as a sickly kid in a rich family. He grew up, went to Harvard, taught Sunday School - where he once gave a boy a buck for beating up a bully who harassed the boy's sister - and eventually graduated. After that, a doctor told Roosevelt that he had some pretty serious heart problems so he should take it easy, find a desk job, and avoid strenuous activity."
Jim smiled. "But since this is the Awesome President, Teddy listened to some of that, took a whole bunch of desk jobs, and made them as strenuous as possible. He won a seat in the New York State Assembly and wrote more legislation than any of his peers. He was the president of the board of the New York City Police Commissioners in 1895. He made a point to reform the corrupt police department, in part by walking the beat to make sure his officers were doing their jobs. He was the Assistant Secretary of the Navy leading up to the Spanish-American War, and he did his best to push that war along because he wanted to give the Navy a good test. He then became Governor of New York, then Vice President, and he became President when William McKinley was assassinated. And all of those were, obviously, pretty stressful. And during all of this, he also found time to write thirty-five books."
"All of that is so much more than I could ever imagine doing in my life. But that's just Roosevelt getting started. He was also an amateur boxer, a hunter, a war hero, and an explorer who once beat malaria, probably with a stick while he called malaria's mother names. He organized the Rough Riders and commanded them during the Spanish-American War. They didn't actually use horses as much as you might expect, but that didn't stop them from going completely nuts during the Battle of San Juan Hill. Roosevelt himself led a charge up the hill because he got tired of waiting for orders and his men ended up winning the battle. He DID have a horse for the charge, but ended up on foot once the horse got too tired. That didn't really slow him down, though. And after this, he actually cost himself the Medal of Honor by demanding that soldiers be sent home because too many were getting sick and dying. They gave him a posthumous Medal of Honor back in 1997, though, so he beat that, too."
"When he became President, the awesome stuff didn't stop. Cavalrymen wrote him letters complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day, so he made a point by riding a horse one hundred miles in a day." Jim pulled out a list for the next part. "And when he was in office, he had thirteen horses, five dogs, a few snakes, some birds, two cats, a badger, five guinea pigs, a lion, a hyena, a wildcat, a coyote, zebra, lizards, rats, a raccoon, and five bears. Yikes. Those were just his pets, too. After he left office, Roosevelt went on safari to Africa where he killed or trapped over eleven thousand animals including everything from bugs to big game. About two hundred sixty-two animals were used for food, and most of the others were sent to the Smithsonian in Washington for display. And the Smithsonian got so many that they gave duplicates to other museums."
"For the record, I'm not really a fan of hunting or anything, but come on, eleven thousand animals? That included over five hundred big game animals. And this from a fifty-one year old man who was supposed to avoid strenuous activity."
"In addition to all of that, he was the first sitting President to win the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War. AND the teddy bear was named after him after he refused to kill a captured black bear because it was unsporting to kill a trapped animal. That possibly puts those eleven thousand animals from Africa into a terrifying perspective.."
"And if all of that isn't enough to convince you that he was awesome, let's take a look at the time somebody tried to assassinate him. He didn't run for reelection in 1908, but he took another shot at it in 1912 for the Bull Moose Party. During a campaign stop in Wisconsin, a guy shot him. The bullet went through his eyeglass case and fifty page speech before stopping in his chest. He was bleeding pretty badly, but since he wasn't coughing up any blood - which was seriously how he decided how badly he needed medical attention - he decided to give his ninety minute speech before going to the hospital. And when he did finally go, the doctors decided it would be too dangerous to pull the bullet out, so they left it. He walked around with a bullet in his chest for the rest of his life and that didn't seem to slow him down."
"But the best part about that story? When he decided to go on with his speech, he improvised this line to lead off with: 'Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.' You just can't top that."
"Okay, now that I'm done lecturing, you guys have some homework to do." Jim reached under his desk and pulled out a box of teddy bears. "These are teddy bears. They were named after Teddy Roosevelt. All you have to do is take a bear and get a picture of it doing something really cool at some point during the week. Whether that means dressing it up like a soldier and getting a picture of it invading a common room, or getting a shot of it flying through the air, it's up to you to decide what would be worthy of President Roosevelt. Just have fun with it and get a picture to me by class next week. You have to supply your own cameras, though, because I'm cheap. You can keep the bears or bring them back next week."
"Oh, and speaking of next week, it's going to be a movie day. Come prepared. And by that I mean bring snacks and drinks."
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