Fandom High School

Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 4/26, 3rd Period]

2024-04-26T14:10:13Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

“The island is being even weirder than usual,” Sam grumbled at the front of the classroom to whoever might have come into class that day. “I am sure you are all aware and are being very careful!”

He was sure of no such thing but it sounded good and Sam Eagle did like to sound good.

“I enlisted the help of Captain Rogers to secure your other…” Sam sighed. “Instructor.” It was as if saying the word pained him. “In light of recent events. It seemed best for your safety, my safety, and the safety of the world. Perhaps even the universe!”

“So! Beaker is securely locked away until it is deemed safe to release him. I have been informed I am not qualified to judge that so I will defer to my colleague Captain Rogers in this matter.”

Surely Captain America could contain one Muppet? Right?

Perhaps his body but never his imagination! Behold, the legitimately terrifying giant Fire Extinguisher On Wheels, Now With Flame Shooting Capacity that literally no one had asked for. Sorry, Sam.

“WHAT IS THAT?!” Sam demanded.

Sam, now was not the time to talk. Now was the time to run.

Alas, eagles on felt feet are not so fast as Fire Extinguishers On Wheels because that wouldn’t be funny. Also the flames had a long reach.

But think of the practicality! It set the fire, then fixed the problem! Then created another problem!

“You will pay for this, Beaker!” Sam said, somehow still smoldering while coated in foam. “Class dismissed and stay safe, students!”

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 4/19, 3rd Period]

2024-04-19T14:38:38Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

Today was the last class before exams AND no one had been horribly maimed so far this semester! As far as the teachers knew! It was time to celebrate, right?

Wrong! Sam Eagle would not stand for premature celebrations! “Today,” he said, “in preparation for whatever horrors Beaker may inflict upon us next week for your final exam, we shall be learning about fire safety! It is my hope that you all survive said exam!”

Beaker was not listening to Sam! He was too busy getting the herd? Gaggle? Committee? of Muppet chickens into the Danger Shop. They looked very snazzy in their fire hats, didn't they?

“I do not recall requesting chickens,” the eagle groused. “I requested firefighters!”

"Meep meep meep!" Beaker said as fire hoses unfurled dramatically from the ceiling. Of course there was going to be a final song and dance number, Sam. Have you ever Muppet-ed?

Sam had been Muppet-ing for decades, how very dare! “This is no way to learn anything! This is all frivolous nonsense!” Especially the chicken kick line.

They'd worked hard on those kicks, Sam! "Meep meep meep meep!" Beaker countered, wheeling in a cannon big enough to launch a chicken from.

“Who gave you a cannon” Sam demanded. “This is an outrage! Extremely unsafe! Very weird! Inappropriate!”

He was drowned out by cannon fire. Because it was funny that way.

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 4/12, 3rd Period]

2024-04-12T13:55:02Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

“There is a party tonight,” Sam announced. “At the home of Captain Rogers!” Yes, Sam did sound giddy about it. Could you blame him, really?

“So today,” Sam continued, “we shall discuss etiquette for formal events! Specifically we shall be discussing proper attire.” He glared at the gathered students and then at Beaker. Mostly at Beaker.

"Meep meep meep meep meep," Beaker said. What? He wore a tie! "Meep meep meep mee!" he added, wheeling out a huge table full of things that could go on hats.

If you squinted. And were Beaker. And thought that putting live birds on a hat could be okay as long as they said yes.

Consent was important but Sam did not approve of birds on hats. Birds in hats, though…

“Ah, yes,” Sam said, somehow side-eyeing Beaker and the birds even though his eyes didn’t move. “Hats can be a very important part of an ensemble and hats were recommended for tonight’s soiree!”

"Meep meep mee!" Beaker agreed, leaving the room to get another table of even more inappropriate hat-making materials.These would be flammable to make an impression on Tony and Steve!

"Setting other guests, your hosts, and/or the venue on fire are all highly inappropriate behaviors," Sam snapped. "Desist at once!"

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 4/5, 3rd Period]

2024-04-05T14:00:01Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

“Now that all of that unpleasantness from last week is behind us,” Sam said, glaring at the room and especially Beaker, “we can return to a useful class!”

He knew what you did with that fanged woman, Beaker, even if he’d learned it against his will.

“Today we shall be discussing simple meals. Meals not even Beaker can ruin.”

Sam, you were just taunting the gods of chaos and Muppet physics now. You fool.

"Meep meep meep meep meep," Beaker said, holding up a bag of microwave popcorn threateningly. Don't make him make it smell like burned popcorn until the end of time, Sam. He'd do it.

Sam sighed. “Popcorn is not a meal even if it is a whole grain! However! I have it on very good authority that Cup Noodle™ is delicious and filling!”

And surely no one could ignite styrofoam, right? "Meep meep meep?" Beaker said, peering inside the cup suspiciously.

“You only need to add boiling water!” Sam said. Surely Beaker would be fine with that much cooking!

"Meep meep!" Beaker said, sticking the entire thing, spice packet and all, into the microwave. And forgetting about the water.

Sam should have foreseen this. He should have foreseen the smoking microwave. He really should have foreseen the fire suppressant system being triggered. Somehow he did not.

“You must never tell Gladio of this!” Sam sputtered from under the pile of foam.

"Meep meep meep meep!"

Surely the rest of you can do better?

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Beaker No/Beaker Yes, Friday, March 22, 2024

2024-03-22T14:33:25Z

Posted by: meepmeepmeep

What extremely useful and not at all horribly boring information did your instructor (and Beaker) plan on sharing with you this week, students? Only one way to find out!

“Today we shall be talking about home repair,” Sam said.

"Meep meep meep," Beaker said, looking guilty. He didn't remember breaking anything at Sam's house, but the odds were good.

“As responsible citizens,” Sam continued, wondering if he needed to call his housesitter to check on things, “it is important you be able to take care of your places of residence.” No, Sam did not understand that homeownership was out of reach for many of you. If he did know he’d just tell you to eat less avocado toast.

"Meep meep meep meep," Beaker said. "Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep." Others might not need to check their smoke detectors quite as frequently, though.

“Yes, smoke detectors are very important. Especially for some people.” Yes, that glare was solely for Beaker.

"Meep meep meep!" Don't make him demonstrate how well the ones in here work again, Sam.

Sam had spent all semester trying to keep fire suppression systems from going off, Beaker. He wasn’t afraid of you!

“Smoke detectors are important but hopefully not ever needed unless you live with Beaker. Other things are equally important!”

"Meep meep," Beaker said with a shrug. "Meep meep meep meep?" Maybe you also needed non-leaking water? That was a fire-adjacent concern!

“Yes! Plumbing! Of course you should hire a professional for major repairs but you ought to be able to perform minor ones yourself! Perhaps a small leak simply needs something tightened! Perhaps a gasket could be replaced! Perhaps you need to unclog a drain!”

This was going to lead to water falling on Sam, somehow. Or perhaps he'd be attacked by a rogue plunger.

Why not both? "Meep meep meep!" Beaker said, handing out tool belts from somewhere as the Danger Shop morphed around them into a Sims-style apartment complete with smoking stove. "Meep!"

Fix it, everyone! Of course you're not actually qualified! When has that ever stopped a homeowner?

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 2/23, 3rd Period]

2024-02-23T15:23:42Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

“Unfortunately there will be no class next week,” Sam intoned. “As many of you will be on vacation in space.” He didn’t approve. Clearly. But then Sam didn’t approve of most things. “Today we have decided to help prepare you for your upcoming travels!” Well, Sam had decided without consulting Beaker because he never consulted Beaker.

"Meep meep meep meep!" Beaker said enthusiastically, pulling a giant suitcase from…wherever it was props came from…and opening it to reveal three years worth of Shenanigan aloha shirts, a tuba, and a lit firecracker.

Because Beaker.

“Beaker!” Sam gasped. “Explosives are never allowed in checked luggage! Have you no respect for the Transportation Security Administration? Put that out right now!”

Beaker thought the TSA could probably stand for some more interesting days, but he reached into the bag and picked up the firecracker like you should also never do and held it towards Sam. "Meep?"

Sam frantically blew on the lit end of the firecracker. Except he was a Muppet. Oops?

The fire suppressant foam still works, everyone! Hooray!

"Meep meep meep," said the Beaker pile of foam. "Meep meep."

Everyone should definitely try to pack their own bags now. Add all the fruit and live animals! They loved that at Portalocity! And you had time while Sam got the foam off of his face. Right now he could see nothing!

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Beaker No/Beaker Yes!, Friday, February 16, 2024

2024-02-16T15:29:52Z

Posted by: meepmeepmeep

Class today was being held in the Danger Shop, which was looking suspiciously like the Hall of Presidents at Walt Disney World. Probably because it was programmed to look like the Hall of Presidents at Walt Disney World. Of course, Beaker was involved so it was likely it wasn’t exactly like the actual Hall of Presidents.

“Hello, class!” Sam boomed out. “Today we shall be learning about a very important holiday celebrated in this great country on the third Monday of every February! Presidents’ Day!”

Not a holiday celebrated with fireworks, Beaker.

Every holiday could be celebrated with fireworks if you're not a coward, Sam. Beaker had chosen to celebrate this illustrious day of presidents by dressing as everyone's favorite president: Zachary Taylor.

…it was a deep cut.

"Meep meep meep meep meep," Beaker said, possibly quoting Zachary Taylor.

“He never said that,” Sam snapped. Sam did not know this for a fact.

“Presidents’ Day is, of course, meant to celebrate two of the greatest presidents in our history! George Washington and Abraham Lincoln! The others are all fine upstanding gentlemen as well!”

Were they Sam? Were they really?

"Meep meep meep," Beaker snorted. "Meep."

That was very mean and true about one of the presidents, Beaker.

“In honor of the holiday and these wonderful leaders of our country we shall be watching the presentation in this hallowed Hall of Presidents!”

Surely nothing would go wrong or explode in here! It was a Disney attraction!

That was so weirdly optimistic of you given the entire history of this class, Sam. Cue the lights! Cue the music! The 1812 Overture was patriotic enough, right? And all of the presidents were now holding sparklers because Beaker was a helper!

He could use a helper of his own to get the cannons in before their big moment, though. Anyone? Anyone?

"Beaker no! No cannons!” Sam exclaimed. “You might hurt the presidents!”

Flinging his patriotically outfitted self at the cannons would end well! The problem would be solved!

Oh, look confetti! Well, it was a small break from fire suppressant foam until the Trump figure caught fire and started to melt…

Just another Friday in Fandom.

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 2/9, 3rd Period]

2024-02-09T15:32:33Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

FRIDAY 2/9

Was Sam looking grumpier today than previous weeks due to last week’s shenanigans that had led to him missing class? It was possible but how could anyone tell for sure? His eyebrows were always like that.

“As you may have noticed,” Sam began, “we are now in a bank rather than our usual classroom!” Well, it was the Danger Shop’s best approximation of a bank. A bank that looked like something out of a movie from the 1970s, of course, because that was definitely Sam’s aesthetic. “Banking is a very important part of life!”

Was it though, Sam? Was it really?

Where was Beaker, who was definitely not next to Sam? He was traversing the ceiling, wearing a ski mask and a beret for added villain-y-ness, and using those suction-cup kneepads that only worked in Muppet capers. You can notice because he's also meeping dramatic theme music to himself.

Sam had (fortunately for Beaker and the amusement of everyone else) not looked up yet. “Today,” he said, oblivious, “we shall be opening bank accounts! Everyone should have at least one! How else will you keep your money safe if it is not secured in an FDIC insured facility?”

And hopefully not in a bank that was going to be ~~not at all~~ robbed by Beaker! Which this one was.

“I hope everyone has brought identification with them,” Sam continued, oblivious to any heists that were about to happen. “You will need it! As well as currency to deposit! American currency, preferably, though any reputable financial institution will be able to exchange other currencies for the almighty dollar!”

This was when Beaker deployed his grappling hook, swung triumphantly into the open vault…and got stuck when the door closed behind him. "MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP!"

Sam sighed the sigh of a very put-upon and very tired eagle. It was a very loud and long sigh.

“Everyone, bring your required paperwork with you and line up! Please ignore the Beaker behind the vault door,” he continued. That was almost certainly easier said than done. But surely Beaker was at least secured in there. It was a bank vault! What could be more secure?

Well, maybe a bank vault that didn't have a Muppet with slightly worrisome access to fireworks? (There had been a Lunar New Year sale!)

Because that was a wall exploding and a lot of color and smoke.

…and the fire suppression system kicking on. Again. Sorry, Sam.

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Beaker No/Beaker Yes!, Friday, February 2, 2024

2024-02-02T14:33:09Z

Posted by: meepmeepmeep

NEVER YOU MIND what Beaker had done to avoid having Sam at class today! Had he told him about a secret and exclusive meeting with Punxsutawney Phil? Had he sent him on a patriotic hot air balloon ride very, very far away? Had he lied about a special meet and greet with Captain America?

The world may never know!

The point was that Beaker was alone, standing atop a seven foot tall model of a volcano, and holding what could only be considered an excessively large bottle of vinegar.

C'mon kids, it's a classic! Let's make a volcano! Surely nothing with go wrong!

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 1/26, 3rd Period]

2024-01-26T15:22:49Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

Sam Eagle was, as always, perfectly punctual.

“Students! We shall be learning about music today! Perfectly normal music, of course. Music not compelled by any meddling islands or other outside forces! Music that is not, in any way, weird!”

Beaker, riding in on a piano bike, had been told no such thing. Or if he had been told, he'd completely ignored it.

…it was probably the second thing. "Meep meep mee?"

“I said we would be learning about the pianoforte, Beaker!” Sam snapped.

And not a piano torch? Because Beaker'd brought a piano torch! "Meep mee!" he said, lighting the torch and holding it up over his head like a slightly deranged Olympian.

“Joseph from legal expressly forbid the use of open flames in your classes!”

"Meep meep meep meep meep," Beaker said, looking up at the torch. It wasn't that big a flame, Sam!

“No, it is not small enough that nobody will notice! I have already noticed! The students have noticed! It is a flame! Any flame is too large for you!”

But, but…look as he sets the interior of the piano on fire! It looks so cool, Sam! So very Eurovision! The classiest and best of music!

Sam really, really needed to consult with Captain Rogers’s husband about fire suppression methods for the classroom. Otherwise he was just going to continue being a sad, wet eagle every time the sprinklers started.

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 1/19, 3rd Period]

2024-01-19T15:07:52Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

Please pay no attention to the meeping from the snare trap on the ceiling. Beaker had tried to come in like a wrecking ball but noooooo, Sam chose to be un-fun!

How dare the narrative! Sam chose to be dignified and professional!

“Today, students,” Sam began, ignoring the meeps for now, “we shall focus on a very important facet of American Life. Today you shall learn about taxes!”

Don't everyone cheer at once, now.

“I shall be lecturing you alone as my unfortunate colleague is otherwise engaged due to his choice to try and set fire to this stack of tax forms.”

You know, trapped in a trap on the ceiling. That sort of otherwise engaged.

“Your W-2 form is an important item! Once received from your employer you must keep track of it! Otherwise how will you file your taxes? What if you get…” Sam dropped his voice and looked around the room “audited?”

Was the trap on the ceiling swinging? Was Sia’s Chandelier starting to play faintly?

“Now, some of you may never have filed income taxes before. Shame on you! Lucky for you I have prepared a very thorough presentation on the basics of tax law. It should take nearly the remainder of the semester to cover but of course we shall be finished with ample time to file before Tax Day!”

Settle in for a very boring PowerPoint presentation, kids! Very boring!

…was that the sound of a chainsaw? Beaker, no.

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Beaker No!/Beaker Yes! [Friday 1/12, 3rd Period]

2024-01-12T14:21:51Z

Posted by: but_mostly_america

Sam Eagle was at the front of the Danger Shop classroom looking very displeased. This expression was nearly indistinguishable from Sam’s usual expression, because Sam was made of felt.

Beaker wasn't on fire ~~yet~~! He had no idea why Sam was very displeased. Maybe it was the very long legal thing that Kermit and Joe from Legal had sent? He hadn't read it.

Sam had read it. Sam had yelled a lot after reading it. “Students,” he said, “my name is Sam Eagle and I am here to teach you and prevent you from being exploded, set on fire, or otherwise maimed by my colleague.” You might not think a felt eagle could put that much disdain into the word colleague. You would be wrong.

Beaker waved and meeped. "Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep," he said in what was clearly an imitation of Sam. "Meep meep meep meep meep."

And then he held up a firecracker. And lit it. Maybe today's class was about fire safety!

“Beaker, no! We have discussed this!” Discussed was a weird word for Sam lecturing Beaker and Beaker ignoring him but okay.

"Meep meep meep?" Beaker asked, still holding the firework. Don't worry, kids, it had a long fuse because the Rule of Funny demanded that.

The Rule of Funny also demanded that Sam produce a hilariously oversized fire extinguisher from somewhere. Despite aiming it directly at Beaker and his lit firecracker somehow Sam was now covered in foam. Somehow.

“Fireworks,” the eagle-shaped pile of foam snapped, “are never to be utilized inside and should never be given to someone irresponsible!”

"Meep meep meep," Beaker said as the firecracker--of course--exploded above them and made a happy face just before the sprinklers went off.

Sam was very good at sighing heavily despite the fact that he had no lungs. “And that is why we do not handle fireworks, students!” He was glaring at Beaker as he said it. Wetly.

"Meep meep," Beaker said, waggling his hand. That's why un-fun people and eagles don't handle fireworks! He pulled out a bag filled with more fireworks. "Meep!"

There were enough for everyone! Assuming there was anyone left in this classroom.

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